When tragedy first strikes, there seems to be a disconnect between our physical selves and our emotional selves.
Terri noticed this within days after Jon’s funeral. When she was home, the quiet closed in on her and she wanted out. If she went to the mall or a coffee shop, there were too many people — maybe someone she knew would see her, ask how she’s doing and stopping those pesky tears would be impossible. If her friend called and said, “come over”, she could usually get herself there but within minutes, Terri just wanted to go home. But once there, home was too quiet. Too quiet and too many reminders of life with Jon. Heavens, she just had to look out the window to see the rock garden they had so painstakingly created together just last summer.
I often ask grieving clients if they’ve experienced wherever you are, that’s where you don’t want to be. And they all say ‘“yes” and seem surprised that I know that almost indescribable feeling of not fitting into the world.
If you are home. You don’t want to be there. If you aren’t home, you want to go home. And so on and so on and so on. This uncomfortable feeling doesn’t last forever but almost everyone identifies with it.
No place feels like you can just settle and stay put. I’m sure there is a psychological word for this but I haven’t found the perfect one. Disconnection? Detachment?Disengagement?
In my work as a counsellor, I often refer to theories of the self that I studied in university — even ones that I can’t recall the official name of or the author. I often refer to one that describes how we change in relationships and then change again when the relationship ends, and then change again when and if we re-partner. Although I no longer remember the official name of this theory, I call it the Key-Lock self in my case notes, referring to a diagram I draw that shows a random shape, that I label with my client’s partner’s initial being inserted into a random shape that I mark with the client’s first initial.
Perhaps, this feeling of disconnection, detachment, and disengagement is linked to that same idea but is what we feel when we are experiencing the actual process of unplugging. (I’m sure there is an academic out there somewhere who would love to study whether these two hard-to-define processes are linked.)
That said, and this is a more practical blog not an academic paper, when we lose our partners we experience the loss in multiple ways, this ‘where ever you are, that’s where you don’t want to be’ is just one of those ways.
So, what to do if this is you right now?
We counsellors/psychologists use the word grounding. That means, locate yourself exactly where you are right now. What can you touch? Take off your socks and shoes and feel the floor beneath your bare feet. Is the floor soft? Smooth? If you have a coffee cup in your hand, take a sip, and actually taste the coffee. Describe it to yourself. Is it hot? Lukewarm? Experience your present environment with your senses. Ask yourself what you can feel in your body — describe those sensations from head to toe. Ask yourself what you are feeling emotionally. Sad? Angry? Uncertain? Ask yourself what you are thinking about? Give your thoughts language. Now, take a deep breath, into your belly. And for this moment only… be where you are.
