As you may have read in my biography on this site, I am a counsellor and thus, in my work, I see grieving clients regularly. Some are grieving a death but other times it is the loss of a relationship or even a job that he or she loved dearly. At some point in their first session, I draw this diagram on my white board.
I draw two ovals and I write, in all caps, LOSS above one and RESTORATION above the other.
I then go on to explain that the loss my client has experienced has plummeted him or her into a world of LOSS. And I draw a dime-sized dot in the LOSS oval and say, but … (and I pause) there’s another world. And the person who figured this out, called that world RESTORATION. And this world is ‘the world without’. The world without the person you’ve lost, without the relationship you’ve lost, without the ‘normal’ you’ve lost.
I always say that until not long ago (and that time frame changes – currently I say about 2 years ago) I said that I initially didn’t like the word RESTORATION but that I couldn’t think of a better one. And then, I tell the story of a woman, a widow, who I had been seeing regularly. Her appointment was near the end of the week and I asked her what her plans were for the weekend. She said that on Saturday she was just going to let herself grieve but that on Sunday she was going to a friend’s house to RESTORE herself. And, I had replied, ‘there’s that word. Restore.’ Perhaps, RESTORE is the right word.
I continue to explain that healthy grieving is a zig zag process between these two worlds. And to illustrate further, I draw a line with an arrow head from one world to another —and mimic that by shifting my weight from one side to the other. Back and forth. Back and forth.
I always explain that you may only step briefly into RESTORATION at first – and almost always because you have to. I give the examples of — You have children to feed. You have work to do. You have to meet with your bank. Something…you have to do something. But then, you step back into LOSS and allow yourself to feel the pain and sadness of your situation. Back and forth. Back and forth.
I continue by cautioning that ‘we’ (mental health professionals, particularly) worry about you if you get stuck on one side or the other. And I point out that my addict clients have all agreed that an addict goes into LOSS and stays there. An addict medicates the pain. Numbs the pain. But doesn’t step into the life without, the world of RESTORATION.
And, I clarify that going to RESTORATION and staying there is also unhealthy. I use the example of a widow whose husband died when she had young children. She was determined to hang on by her fingernails, if necessary, declaring to herself that her focus now was on raising his children. And she did. And those children grew up and became adults and left home. And someone said, ‘I don’t think you’ve actually grieved him.” And she ended up in my office. This can also happen to a divorced parent who intensely focuses on being The Best Parent Possible.
I find those who are stuck in RESTORATION difficult to work with. They have a facade of “Just Fine”. But they know they are not. And someone has seen through the facade. I feel like I have to push them into LOSS. And they are so reluctant to go ‘there’ again. I push them to look at their old photos. I push them to recall their hopes and dreams. I nudge them to really feel the reality of their loss.
That said, if you’re reading this at the beginning of your grief journey, allow yourself to zig zag. And name it to yourself. Say ‘now I’m in LOSS – and that’s ok’ and ‘now I’m in RESTORATION’. And that’s ok.
Both worlds can be riddled with false guilt. You can be in loss, crying over the photos while sitting on your bed and hear that voice saying, “You should be better than this by now.” You can be at work and hear that voice saying, “How dare you function as if nothing has happened. Are you cold, heartless. Are you even grieving?”. Talk back to both of these voices and tell them you are going to move through this. You are going to zig and then zag. LOSS and RESTORATION. LOSS and RESTORATION.
Addendum:
This idea was simplified and modified from the Dual Process Model, developed in the late 1990s by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Shut — for those who like to know where ideas come from.
