“And he leaves to mourn, with fond and loving memories…”
When I first began my work as a counsellor, I was asked about value of a eulogy “because they just make everyone cry”. My response was that, to me, the eulogy was vital to funeral or memorial service. The eulogy was the one time when a grieving person could clearly show the gathered friends and family why he or she was entitled to feel this sad. “I am heartbroken because this is the person I am grieving. And I want you to know how special my loved one was.”.
One challenge of writing a blog such as Suddenly Single Survival Guide is that we do not know where our readers are in their grief journey. Some of you may have been widowed months or years ago. Others may be reading this early in the journey — but the funeral or memorial service has happened. We know some readers find this site looking for help for a friend or family member. Others are professionals, gathering resources for their clients.
This post on the purpose and value of the eulogy may prompt you to think “too late for me” but keep reading, for yourself or for sharing.
I have been reading a book on Jewish mourning rituals (and there will be more posts inspired by this book later). I’m reading Saying Kaddish: How to Comfort the Dying, Bury the Dead & Mourn as a Jew with the intention of writing about how we who are not Jewish can also use a prescribed timeline for mourning to help us grieve better.
In her chapter, The Funeral, the author, Anita Diamant (also known for her novel, The Red Tent) explains that the eulogy is the heart of the Jewish funeral service. At its best, the eulogy is honest, not exaggerated, a collection of stories and anecdotes rather than a speech. A good eulogy affirms the value of a human and how this particular person contributed to the world.
Some Christian traditions do not include a eulogy in their formal funeral services. The person’s name and a few words may be mentioned in the homily, but the service itself focuses on God not the deceased. “The funeral liturgy is a celebration of salvation and mercy, of grace and eternal life. It is not meant to be a commemoration (much less a canonization) of the person who has died. Extended remembering of the deceased often results in forgetting the Lord.” (Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk, quoted in The Boston Catholic Journal ). Muslim funerals also do not include a eulogy.
Also, some clergy prefer the term Words of Remembrance to Eulogy, further emphasizing that these reflections are to contain honest memories and not merely be a recital of the deceased’s accomplishments and virtues.
My experience with funerals, albeit largely limited to the protestant stream of the Christian church, is that the eulogy is usually delivered by a family member. I have eulogized both my aunt and my mother and have often shared that speaking about my mother, mere days after her death, was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. In Jewish tradition, the rabbi both writes and delivers the eulogy with family input, sparing grieving family members the angst of a public memorial. This sensitivity may be due to their tradition of burying their dead within 24 hours. and so family members may well be in shock or even traumatized by the recent death.
What to include in a Eulogy
- A glimpse into the person’s personality, characteristics and gifts.
- An honest reflection of how this person related to his or her family.
- Certain phrases or quotes that uniquely reflect this individual.
Some questions to ask yourself while writing a eulogy may be
- What did he or she love to do?
- Were there hobbies or attributes that made this person unique?
- What did I learn from this person?
- What do I know I will remember?
Sharing this person’s musical tastes and sense of humour fleshes out the description of who we are grieving.
Public eulogies shouldn’t ramble on and on but be a length that is respectful to the listeners. The officiant can give direction here. A service where the speaker goes on at length can quickly become painful for those in the pews.
Perhaps you’ve read this far and are thinking that it’s too late to be concerned about a eulogy. Your partner’s service has already taken place, months or years ago. Someone has already done all of the above.
But, bear with me.
I once had a client, a middle-aged woman, who had fallen in love with a man but whose relationship with him was not yet public. Just as they were moving toward revealing their relationship to his family, he was killed in a motor vehicle accident. She knew she could not attend the service — both due to the stage of their relationship and where he was to be celebrated and buried — and not being there felt incomplete.
My homework for her was to write a eulogy from the perspective of her relationship with him, what she knew of him. I encouraged her to write it as if she was going to be standing up in front of a group of mourners and state clearly why she was entitled to be as sad as she was. She seemed skeptical but a few weeks later when I saw her again, she read her eulogy aloud to me. She had done an excellent job. Her mother and I were the only two who were the witnesses to her pain. She reiterated that she had been skeptical but affirmed that writing a eulogy for her beloved had been a healing exercise.
Writing a private eulogy, a healing eulogy, even a second eulogy, may be just what you need as part of your healing journey. You may be from a tradition that did not allow a public eulogy but that does not discount your need for private Words of Remembrance. You do not need to read it to an assembled group of mourners, but I encourage you to write it and then read it to someone, preferably someone who loves you and knew your partner. Or, simply read it aloud to yourself. Hear your voice say those words. With these words, give yourself permission to be as sad and heartbroken as you are.
Resources
References
Saying Kaddish: How to Comfort the Dying, Bury the Dead & Mourn as a Jew (Anita Diamond, 1998)
Eulogies and the Catholic Church
