There are two emotions spoken about in the investment industry; fear and greed. Any investment professional will tell you real success lies in the ability not to let either emotion take control of your decision making. If they’re truthful, they’ll also tell you how trying to control these emotions is a constant battle. As a widow, you face a similar predicament but instead of fear and greed, you’re faced with fear and grief.
Fear and Grief
Fear and grief are undoubtedly two of the most challenging emotions a person can experience. I know grief comprises an entire range of emotions, as I’m sure you’re painfully aware, but for this discussion I’ll refer to it as a singular emotion.
From a financial point of view, how do these emotions impact a widow?
Fear is an emotion that is literally hard-wired into our brains, designed to protect us from danger. However, left unchecked by reason and logic, fear can become debilitating and prevent us from making decisions that would benefit us.
Fear of the unknown is, I suspect, a nearly universal experience for all humans. As a widow, there are many unknowns in your future that can stoke anxious flames in your mind. You may even experience it on a physical level. Losing your partner in life may have you asking:
How will I manage my monthly expenses with the loss of my husband’s income?
When will I be able to retire, now that I’m on my own?
Will I be able to afford the mortgage on my own?
Who can I turn to when I have a tough financial decision to make?
The fear of making a mistake can freeze you in your tracks and you end up choosing to do nothing because you’re afraid of doing the wrong thing. There’s the fear that you can’t handle all the financial decisions, so you consider selling everything and paring your investments down to only the simplest things like low-paying term deposits.
Grief brings with it a host of mental effects. The all encompassing feelings of loss can leave you finding it hard to concentrate on routine tasks you have normally have no trouble completing. It can affect your memory and decision making processes. Suddenly, everyday simple decisions seem hard. If you’re generally an organized person, you can find yourself noticeably scattered, even absent-minded at times.
Take all of the unknowns of the future, add to them a heavy dose of grief with its ability to impede how you would normally function, and it’s no wonder so many widows feel like a “deer in the headlights” when facing financial decisions. The combo of fear and grief makes a bitter cocktail that leaves a person with no appetite for decision making.
The situation can seem insurmountable. As much as it appears that way though, there are steps to take to conquer your fears. By doing so, step by step, you’ll gain confidence and the courage needed to manage your financial affairs on your own. Eleanor Roosevelt once said,
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’
How to Overcome Your Fears
Identify what your fears are —Spend time thinking about what’s really concerning you. Write them down. The simple act of identifying what it is you are afraid of will help you face and tackle the issue. If you don’t already have a financial buddy in your corner, write the name of someone you know (or someone of a certain position like “banker” or “accountant”) beside each problem and arrange to talk to them about your concerns.
Find ways to turn “unknowns” into “knowns” — How you will pay off your mortgage on your own may remain an unknown for a while, but if you know nothing about mortgages begin educating yourself about them. Start by learning the basics. There’s plenty of easy-to-understand information available on the internet. Ask questions to your friends, family, your banker, and anyone you consider to be a good financial mentor. Apply this to any of the “unknowns” in your life, financial or otherwise. Gaining knowledge about anything you are unsure about will remove some of the uncertainty and help alleviate your stress.
Get expert advice — Talk to your banker, an accountant, and an investment advisor. Speak to several if you want to get varying opinions. An initial consultation with many of these professionals is free. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about anything you’re not clear on, especially if they’re using too much jargon you’re unfamiliar with. Be aware they may be interested in getting business from you (i.e. money), taking that into consideration as you mull over their advice. If you want to establish new relationships with any of these types of advisors, ask your friends for referrals to people they’ve have good experiences with.
Put things into perspective — It’s human nature to let our minds exaggerate anything we are afraid of. Look back at various times in your life, from childhood to now, where something you were stressed out about turned out to be much less of a problem than you anticipated. Anticipatory stress — the stress that comes from envisioning a negative outcome — can tie your mind (and stomach) up in knots if you let it get out of control. Don’t think about only the potential negative outcomes. Consider all the potential positive outcomes too. Ask yourself about how realistic your view of the future is.
Find a recipe — Chances are, if you’re faced with a problem someone just like you has also faced that problem and found a way to solve it. I love to cook and while I take pride in my ability to improvise in the kitchen, the first time I try to tackle a particular dish, I’ll always look up a recipe. In fact, I usually read several and then pick and choose what I like to create my own version of the dish. Try this when facing financial concerns. Talk to others who have done it before. Listen to how they overcame the problem. With several points of view in hand, create a deliberate plan of action and follow it just as you would follow a recipe.
Take a long-term view — This will seem impossible in the immediate weeks and months after the death of your spouse. In the first year, you will have trouble visualizing much beyond how you feel day-to-day. But when you’re wrestling with your fears about money, try to look out three months, six months, and even a year ahead. Visualize yourself having more control, confidence and overcoming the obstacles you’re facing. Doing this may not solve your immediate problems, but it will put you into a more objective mindset which will help you find solutions.
I always told my clients managing emotions is the hardest part of the decision making process. It is something you have to continually work on. If you’re finding yourself frozen by fear and grief when facing the financial implications of widowhood, use these pointers to confront the unknowns and knock them down one at a time. You may never feel like you’ve completely mastered managing fear and grief, but over time you will find these powerful emotions will have loosened their grip on you, enabling you to make decisions clearly and confidently.
