Dear Jerry,
I just got your message saying that your dad had died. I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how tough this is for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you when you needed me. Unfortunately, I only got your message this morning as I’ve been away in the mountains — intentionally out of cell service.
You asked how you help your mom and so, rather than call you back (which I also will later), I’ll write out some thoughts.
This may take more than one letter!
These past months have been gruelling for your mom. Your dad has been ill for what? Four years? I can’t remember when I first heard. I remember you telling me you’d been making trips to see them more regularly as you were worried about how they were coping. Sometime, when we chat, remind me how you heard that your dad’s illness was terminal — who called you? Dad? Mom? I believe that how we get that news shapes how it impacts us. Of course, your Mom would have heard it initially from the doctor as she was already accompanying him to his appointments.
I often say to clients — when I explain Loss/Restoration — that the beginning of the grieving process is different in every story. I say that for some, grief begins at diagnosis. That first moment when you know that the person you love will likely die before you do. For others, grief begins at the actual death. Regardless, grief begins.
Sometimes people don’t seem like they’re grieving but the truth is…they’ve already been grieving for a long time. Some — or even most — of the early grief work was done while their loved one was still alive. Your mom is probably one of those early grievers. She’s had years, after all.
One of the realities of being ‘the child’ (even now that you’re an adult) is that there are many parental conversations that you aren’t privy to. You didn’t know the conversations your parents had with each other when you were a kid. And, you likely don’t know how they grieved together when your dad got the news that his illness was terminal. I remember your dad as being rather stoic. Was he stoic through his illness or did he soften and comfort your mother, knowing she’d be left alone? He may have but you likely wouldn’t have seen that. Don’t forget — what you saw when you were visiting them may not be what she experienced privately.
Be aware of conflicted and all-over-the-place emotions. You knew your dad as your dad. But he was more than that for your mom. She would have seen sides of him that were hidden to you — both positive and negative. As time goes on, she may reveal parts of him to you (or not) that hurt her, that frustrated her, that simply made her crazy. Some of these may make sense to you (as in — he always left his shoes by the door) but others may baffle you. Be assured, that’s normal and part of the messiness of relationships.
Your mom may say things about dad that you don’t want to hear. She may focus on his ‘saintliness’ for a while and then almost swing to the opposite. When I work with clients, I often see in their stories how the person who died can shift from ‘he was a hero’ to ‘he was human’. She may assert that she was never angry with him. Or, she may be openly angry with him. Know that this too is normal, all part of her changing her relationship with him. I can write you more on that later.
Or, you may see the other extreme — she may say very little about your dad to you. She may be avoiding talking about him because she’s worried that you’ll be hurt if she does. But know that inside, she’s likely wishing that someone would ask about him. One of the books I read recently said that what a grieving person really would like to talk about is ‘what would you want the world to know about…’. Go ahead and ask her that question — you may be surprised what she says.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that you’ve been particularly tired since your dad died. I know I’m repeating myself but this is pretty normal. Grief is exhausting. And just when you’re exhausted — from nights spent at the hospital, from driving back and forth etc. — you’ve got a funeral to plan and a mom that needs you. Well, your mom is even more exhausted than you are. The stewpot of emotion that’s part of ALL grieving consumes all of your energy for the first while.
So, cut her some slack, she won’t be the mom you know. She may struggle to do things that used to be easy for her — even things she taught YOU how to do. Her own health may be impacted. She may not be sleeping or eating. (You can check on her about that. )
I think I’ve written enough for today. As I think of things that could be helpful, I’ll write more.
Take care,
Ruth (a therapist, for sure but for you — a friend.)
P.S. Oh and one last thing…don’t ask her what she needs. Just see something that needs doing and DO IT.
Disclaimer: Jerry and his parents are fictional, of course, but I hope by helping them, I can also help you (and/or your family.)
