If you have been online, or out and about, you will invariably have been bombarded with Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas. And in just over a month, you will hear, once again, Happy New Years.
We are heading into the season of celebration, consumption (shopping!),and family gatherings. And, for those who are grieving, a season of memories and often pain. Someone has counted (and I didn’t confirm this) that there are 29 holidays observed between November 1 and January 15. Hence the term, Happy Holidays.
But “Happy” doesn’t usually describe grievers. When we grieve we are sad, angry, confused, hurting, miserable, fearful, overwhelmed and more — but not happy. Even hearing those words “Happy Holidays” said by a cheerful (or pretending to be cheerful) barista, smarts.
Google Positive Psychology or Happiness Research and you will find numerous studies saying that a focus on gratitude leads to genuine happiness.
An interesting one, done with college students as well as a group of participants with neuromuscular disease, is here: How Gratitude Leads to a Happier Life
After the prescribed time, participants who wrote down what they were grateful for reported a more positive mood and greater satisfaction with their lives. Gratitude even improved sleep!
But, you may be thinking, my husband died three months ago. What do I have to be grateful for? What do I have to be happy about? My life just changed — forever.
Many years ago, I read an article on how to work with a suicidal client. The details escape me but the one line has stuck with me since — find presents in the pain. Presents, as in gifts.
This phrase, Presents in the Pain, applies to grievers as well. Our hearts are broken and all we can focus on is the pain but even now, there are presents. Gifts.
When we are grieving, we may be (understandably) blind to the gifts in our lives — but that does not mean there are none. Many times, when I’ve used this phrase, the response has been something relational. That is, “I didn’t know people cared so much about me.” “I didn’t know I had so many friends.” Or, after a loved one’s funeral, “I didn’t know my husband’s life had touched so many people. The chapel was packed.”
Many of us also have reason to be grateful for material blessings in our lives. We live in warm houses. We are educated and employed. We may wonder what to wear today but we don’t wonder if our clothing supply is adequate for the weather. We flip a switch and the lights come on. Water comes out of the faucet.
So, in spite of your sadness, anger, and trepidation over the holiday season, take a moment to breath and notice the gifts in your life. Gifts you still have, even when grieving.
A poem taken from the Happiness Project says:
It is because the world is so full of suffering,
that your happiness is a gift.
It is because the world is so full of poverty,
that your wealth is a gift.
It is because the world is so unfriendly,
that your smile is a gift.
It is because the world is so full of war,
that your peace of mind is a gift
It is because the world is in such despair,
the your hope and optimism is a gift.
It is because the world is so afraid,
that your love is a gift.
from Happiness Now: Timeless wisdom for feeling good fast. (Robert Holden)
Postscript:
For a more specific gratitude project, check out the now-viral Facebook page An Advent of Gratitude. This idea began with myself and two friends having coffee together discussing how to initiate something positive into the pre-Christmas season. We thought we’d share an idea with our friends and family and…wow. The power of social media!
Photo credit: Thank you to Annie Spratt on Unsplash
