Shock. Disbelief. Numbness. This isn’t real.
Can’t sleep. Can’t eat.
Paralyzed.
Going through the motions.
Simply no idea of what the next step is.
All of the above are common and reasonable responses — if reasonable is even an applicable word for those initial hours and days — to the sudden death or terminal diagnosis of one’s partner. Life just stopped.
So how do you even absorb what you are experiencing?
Sara sat stunned, still in shock two days after learning that her husband had been in an accident and died. He had been on a work trip and was finally coming home and now THIS. He was coming home but home to be buried. Silence hurt. Friends didn’t know what to say. And she simply had no idea of what the next step should be.
My what-to-do-first suggestion for Sara would be to put on some music. Yes, that’s right. And not just for the early days but as time unfolds.
Go to your music collection, pull out something, anything, and fill your ears, mind and heart with music. If your first choice feels wrong, try something else.
If you don’t know what to feel, if you don’t know what to say, someone has likely already said it for you — and put melody to those words. Music you didn’t resonate with before will now make sense. Music will bring you to tears, yes, but those tears can and will cleanse your soul. Don’t spend a lot of time looking for the perfect music. Just let your intuition guide you.
Country music abounds with laments for a broken heart.
Keith Anderson’s I Still Miss You, cries with
“I’ve talked to friends
I’ve talked to myself
I’ve talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you.”
The Blues are called The Blues for good reason.
Writing about the death of his son, Eric Clapton laments
“Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I’ll find my way through night and day
‘Cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven.”
Classical, even that without words, can take you to the depths of despair and back again. Mozart’s Requiem groans in Latin with “Kyrie Eleison. “ or “Lord have mercy upon us.”
Old hymns are filled with laments and texts that express the deepest human emotions. For example, Come Ye Disconsolate, a lament written by Thomas Moore in 1816.
“Come, ye disconsolate, where’er ye languish,
Come to the mercy seat, fervently kneel.
Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish;
Earth has no sorrow that heav’n cannot heal.”
Disconsolate is a word we never use but the general meaning is, so sad that one cannot be consoled. Aldous Huxley said in his 1931 collection of essays Music at Night , “After silence that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”
Our songs, whether from the 50s, the 60s, the 70s or later, can flood you with memories, bringing the spirit of your loved one back. And, as you move through the grief process, you may well latch on to one particular piece of music that just says it all for you, one that you will listen to over and over and over again. Until you don’t. And then, years later, you will hear it again and know you have healed.
Much has been written about the calming power of music. Music can be the balm that smooths your frazzled and disoriented brain.
Grief hits us all differently so if this what-to-do-first suggestion doesn’t resonate with you, if you are not one to own or enjoy music, move on to something else. But if you do have a collection of CDs, MP3s or even LP records, give it a try. Or if even that’s too much effort, click on the Paste Magazine link in Resources, The 50 Saddest Songs of All Time — a collection of music videos honouring heartbreak of all kinds in a variety of genres. Let yourself listen. Let yourself cry.
Online Resources:
http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-music/
Country Songs to Help Deal with Loss
The 50 Saddest Songs of All Time (Paste Magazine)
The Power of Music to Affect the Brain
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