Following the death of a spouse, there are a number of decisions and steps to take that need to be done immediately and some that will need to to be taken care of within a few weeks or months. And, still other decisions involving the settlement of the estate and making future financial plans will take place over the next 12 months and beyond.
Understandably, this can feel overwhelming.
Don’t Fly Solo
I want to bring up something that I think is critical. Find someone to help you. You don’t have to do it all on your own. And no one should expect you to do it all on your own.
The reality is, because of the emotional impact of the loss of a spouse, you may find it difficult to make decisions. Period. You won’t exactly be in a great frame of mind to pick and choose between various options when planning the funeral. Later on, you may find it difficult to fill out paperwork for the government, file for insurance, and meet with bankers, the accountant, investment advisors, etc.. Don’t think that you have to do this all by yourself.
I want you to find someone in your life that you can use as a “buddy” as you go through each step along the way. Yes, use the buddy system.
Find a Buddy
You may find yourself relying on a number of people to help with things like planning and putting together the memorial service. In fact, you should get help from family members and friends. Having someone there with you while you determine issues like picking a casket or arranging for cremation, having a formal or informal memorial service will take a load off your shoulders. And, when it comes to making any arrangements that will cost money, your family and friends may be able to offer a viewpoint that is from a less emotional stance and save you from making unnecessary and expensive decisions.
But when it comes to helping with the majority of financial decisions, it should be one particular person that will be able to provide useful input to the myriad decisions you have to make. In some cases, this may be the person who was executor, but don’t presume it has to be. You may feel comfortable choosing a family member or you may find using a trusted friend more appealing. Keep in mind though that sometimes your closest friends may not be the wisest choice if they’re not good with their money.
Your buddy should be someone within your circle of acquaintances. Asking someone who may have excellent qualifications but you really don’t know that well, isn’t a good idea. It will seem awkward for both of you. The level of trust this role requires pretty much predetermines that the person should be someone you know reasonably well.
Choosing Your Buddy
Ultimately, who you choose is up to you. But to help you narrow down the field of candidates, here’s some criteria I’d suggest is worth thinking about before you ask someone to be your financial “buddy”:
Does the person manage their own affairs well? You may not know the intimate details of everyone’s financial situation, however I bet you have a pretty good sense of who in your life manages their affairs in a prudently. These would be people who you know have saved money, invested wisely, and perhaps even run their own business. They may not be the wealthiest people you know and in fact may be the type of people who tend to live a simple life well below their means, but they’re people you know have a healthy relationship with money.
Does the person have a patient and understanding personality? Even if you’re generally quite adept in managing your own money, while you’re going through the grieving process you may find that you struggle to make firm decisions. Or you may find yourself wanting to make impulsive decisions. Your money mentor should be someone who has the patience and understanding to know that your normal decision making ability has been compromised and you don’t want someone who will get angry and frustrated every time you get off course.
Is the person a natural at teaching? That doesn’t mean they teach for a living, but that their personality is such that they easily can tell you something that they know without making you feel intimidated or worse, stupid. This kind of goes hand in hand with being patient and understanding, but the ability to teach someone is, I think, a unique quality. I’m sure you know people who fit that description and know plenty who don’t.
Will the person be able to give you honest, unbiased advice? That’s not just in terms of giving you “good” advice. It’s also the ability to tell you something that you may not want to hear. If you’ve decided that immediately following the death of your spouse you want to quit your job, sell your house, and move to an ashram to become a yoga master, you’ll want a mentor who will tell you to pull back the reins, take a deep breath, and hold off on making those decisions for at least a year or more. You may get mad at the time, but trust me having someone willing to tell you that you’re not thinking rationally will be something you’ll be thankful for down the road.
Does the person have time to help you? In the coming weeks and months, you’ll be sitting down with bankers, investment advisors, insurance advisors, accountants and lawyers. I recommend having your buddy attend your first meeting with each of these advisors. After that, if and only if you’re comfortable meeting your advisory team on your own, you can choose to go on your own and then meet your buddy later to review what was discussed in the meeting. Ideally this review should take place the same day as the meeting so everything is still fresh in your mind. Now, in the real world this may not be able to happen 100% of the time, but you want someone who will be able to go to meetings or meet with you afterwards, more often than not.
Preferably not a family member. Lastly, I generally recommend picking someone who is not a family member. Let’s face it. Family members may also be emotionally vulnerable at this time. They may find it difficult to counsel you in a manner that might be firm and hard because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. And, if friction does come up, it’s harder to escape that friction within the confines a family.
I can’t stress this enough. Don’t go through the next 12 to 18 months of financial decision making without a “buddy”. You’ll be doing yourself a great service by enlisting someone who can be by your side and be your money mentor as you go through the mental maze of redesigning your affairs and constructing a financial plan designed specifically for you.
