When I worked as an investment advisor, one thing that I saw widows struggle with after their spouse or partner passed way, was the realization that now they were on their own.
I don’t want to imply that the surviving spouse was helpless at managing the financial affairs. Not at all. In fact, with the majority of the couples I worked with, both parties were actively engaged in the decision-making process of their investments.
When I talk about facing the idea of being on your own, I’m referring to the shift that occurs when one member of a couple is gone. For the entire relationship, the goals and plans around money (and everything else) were based on “we” and “our”.
“When we retire, we intend to spend the first few years travelling to places we’ve always wanted to go.”
“When our house is finished construction, we plan to start putting more money into our retirement savings.”
“Now that the kids are firmly on their own, we’re thinking of selling the house and downsizing to a condo.”
These were the kinds of statements I heard from my clients as couples.
When one member of the team is suddenly gone, the surviving spouse can feel adrift. The plans that were made jointly, somehow don’t feel the same when you’re on your own.
“I don’t know what to do now that Jim’s gone. Should I still sell the house? It was our home for so many years.”
“I think I’d rather not travel now. I want to stay closer to the kids and grandkids.”
“I was considering moving from full-time to part-time work next year, but with Bob gone now I’m wondering if I should keep working full-time for a few more years.”
These aren’t the questions or concerns of a person who has no idea about their financial state. They are normal statements coming from someone who had framed their goals as a couple, but now must look ahead as an individual. That change in perspective creates questions about existing plans. And the concerns about what the “right” plan should be from now on are very real.
As humans, we are social beings. We form partnerships, teams, and tribes quite naturally, bonding with people in our private and public lives. Much of this relates to our survival mechanisms. It’s easier to work together with someone to accomplish things, share resources, and work for a common good rather than to try to struggle through life on our own. The loss of your mate upends much of the feelings of security that come from having a partner in life, even when real financial security is not a concern.
In my view, it’s virtually impossible to shift your way of thinking from “we” to “I” in a short span of time. Acknowledging that it is going to take time to make that adjustment is the first step. Don’t pressure yourself (and don’t let anyone else pressure you) to abruptly change anything.
So how does a person move through this transition from working in a framework of a couple to moving forward on your own?
There isn’t a simple answer to this problem. And, this question also crosses into areas that are more Ruth’s field of expertise, than mine. What I can tell you is this: don’t rush into making any major financial decisions. You’re looking into the future through a lens you’re completely unaccustomed to. For that reason, you should hold off on making major, possibly irrevocable decisions for at least 6 months. I usually suggest a year.
Of course there are a number of decisions you will have to make in the first year. As I mentioned in my post about first steps, there are some matters that have to be addressed within the initial weeks and months. But the big picture decisions, the “we” and “our” issues regarding where you live, where and when you want to retire, whether you want to make a change in your work situation, and so forth don’t have to be dealt with immediately.
The first year following the death of your spouse/partner should be used to:
Take stock — examine what your financial situation actually is at this point in time
Assess your immediate needs — what do you need to do to support yourself for the next year.
Determine what aspects of your financial life you want to manage on your own and what aspects you’ll want or need help with.
Begin to start visualizing your goals as an individual only after you’ve taken these steps.
I realize that in certain situations, a widow may be forced to make major decisions in the first year. A young widow with little kids may not be able to make the mortgage payments if there was no insurance to replace her husband’s income. There may be no answer other than to sell the house and either buy a smaller one, rent for a while, or move in with mom and dad. And the time frame to make that decision may be measurable in mere weeks after being widowed.
In tough situations like that, a major financial change is unavoidable. Part of the solution will be to get help in the decision making process: a parent, a trusted and capable friend, or a buddy you have chosen to help you with your financial decisions in the first year. Trying to navigate difficult choices in circumstances like that will be mental and emotional overload for one who is grieving. Don’t be afraid to ask for advice and assistance.
In coming posts, I’ll be walking through the initial steps that will help you take stock, assess your immediate needs, determining which financial aspects you may want help with, and how to begin moving forward on your own.
If you have any questions or comments on this post or any of my prior posts, please write a note in the comment section below. If you’d like to contact me directly, you can always send me an email at [email protected]. I’ll do my best to respond to any questions that I get.
