I’m currently reading the book Grief is a Journey by Dr. Kenneth Doka. In my counselling work, I often quote him as the grief specialist who coined the term, disenfranchised grief. (Disenfranchised grief refers to grief that is not recognized by others.) Therefore, I was pleased to discover he had written a more general book on grieving. Grief is a Journey is thoughtful and inspiring — both for those grieving and for those of us who support them. I’m sure Dr. Doka will inspire more blog posts.
“Who do you have in your world who is there for you?” is a standard first session question. I ask if of almost every new client. Most of my clients can name at least a few people who they can count on as support. Two of the saddest responses I’ve heard are, “you?” — meaning there isn’t anyone else. And, “my wife and I … we just kept to ourselves.”. Considering this gentleman’s wife had just died, he meant no one. (I have mentioned these two previously here: Searching for Community)
But most people, can name someone. And often, when prodded, they can name a number of people.
Dr. Doka has a client exercise that expands on this question.
If you are grieving — or even if you are not currently grieving, take a pen and paper and give it a try.
First, list all the people you know who have promised or are likely to be supportive. These may include family members, friends, a counsellor, those who you met in your grief group. The latter — the counsellor and grief group — are supports you can (and possibly should) add deliberately to your network after a significant loss. If you have neighbours, a faith community, friends who don’t live nearby — add them as well. Don’t pre-judge your list, just gather names.
Then, code your list.
First, put an L beside all the persons on your list who are good listeners. Dr. Doka does not include online listening — which is technically reading — but I certainly would. I often feel most listened to when I have a friend on the other end of an online messenger conversation. Typing out my thoughts and feelings and having a wise friend sit with them and give me perspective can be just as helpful as speaking those same thoughts and feelings aloud. And for those of us who only know what we think when we write, an online listener/reader is priceless.
Next, put a D next to the names of those on your list who are Doers. These are the people you can call when you are overwhelmed with chores, tasks, and errands. These are the people who showed up with food and offered their services in those first days.
Thirdly, identify those on your list who offer Respite with the letter R. I was surprised at the word respite as often that word is used for hired help when a caregiver needs a break. In this case, Doka uses respite to mean when YOU need a break. When you need a break from grieving. These are the people who may not ask how you’re doing, may not let you cry on their shoulder, may not appear to be open to talking about grief and grieving but they will take you to the hockey game with them, or be open to going with you to the Home and Garden Show. These Respite supporters are as valuable to your healing and learning to live in your new reality as Listeners and Doers.
Now look at your list again. Having read these three categories, are there others you can add? Yes? Write them down.
Now take this list-making one step further. Check your cell phone contact list, pull out your church directory or address book and add a phone number beside each name. Then when you need a Listener, a Doer, or some Respite, you know who to call!
And lastly, if you were MY client, having just done this in my office, I’d ask you to do a quick check-in with yourself. I often recommend the acronym BET as a check-in. Having just gathered your people resources, ask yourself three questions: What can I feel in my Body? What am I feeling Emotionally? And, what am I Thinking about?
My prediction is that you’ll conclude “I feel better.” And perhaps you’ll be thinking that you are richer — in people resources anyway — than you thought.
P.S. If your list is short — perhaps because you’ve moved recently or you are elderly and have had to say good bye to many of your friends, please reach out to a grief support group.
