If we are 100% honest, I believe all of us who have become Suddenly Single will admit there were times — particularly in those first days and weeks when we were afraid. Maybe even terrified. The future seemed uncertain. More decisions had to be made than one single brain could handle.
If you think back to those first days and weeks, you may remember laying in bed listening to your heart pound.
But what about now? Are you still afraid? Are you still anxious? Have some of those decisions been made? Did some of your path come clear or is there still fog ahead?
If you’ve answered “yes” to these questions about fear and anxiety, here’s another one.
Did (or does) fear/anxiety ever present as anger or irritability?
When I was a rookie counsellor, I worked with a more experienced colleague who had done a lot of anger management work. He had lead anger groups and had seen many clients whose presenting issue was anger.
He taught me that anger comes from one of three places:
Hurt (so who hurt you? What hurts?)
Frustration (what do you want that you can’t get?)
and/or
Fear (what are you afraid of)
The first two, hurt and frustration made sense to me. I certainly could tell stories how I had been angry after being hurt. And I knew I’m often angry when frustrated. But I struggled to equate anger and fear. That was until I started seeing clients in domestic violence situations. Then the link between anger and fear became obvious.
But what about anger and anxiety?
I’m about to make a major life change and I’ve noticed a certain grumpiness when I’m obsessing about all the decisions and work a head of me. Is my irritability tied to anxiety? I think so.
What about when grieving?
I always explain to clients that anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Anger at the person who left you behind. Anger because of things left undone, unsaid. Anger at those who just don’t get it. Anger at those who say stupid things (see Useless Phrases). But until recently, I didn’t tie grief-anger to anxiety/fear.
My favourite client homework assignments involve writing (or minimally, list-making).
If you are grieving and feeling irritable, grumpy, out-of-sorts, or even no-denying-it angry, try this.
Grab a piece of paper. Write down every thing you can think of that you MIGHT be anxious about. Name the fear. Feel free to put down even the most crazy thoughts, the ones that don’t make sense but they’re there.
Once you’ve got your list, take a deep breath. Grab a highlighter and highlight the ones that are Reasonable Concerns. A Reasonable Concern is something that any rational thinking person would be worried about. Those are the ones that you need to focus on. Pick up your pen again and challenge yourself to write someone’s name beside each of the lines you’ve highlighted. That’s called Resource Gathering. Who can give you advice? Who can help you? (see Gathering Your People Resources)
Now if you’ve got worries/fears on your list that aren’t Reasonable Concerns but they’re there anyway. Write those out a second time. Take that paper and put it somewhere. Don’t destroy it (yet) and promise yourself that you aren’t going to spend time on those worries right now. Pick a date and time to re-read that list. Give yourself minimally a few weeks but put it on your calendar. What could you call them? Crazy Concerns? Simply Brain Clutter? Give that list a name you’ll remember.
When you go back to that second list, notice what seeing those worries/fears a second time does to you. There are a myriad of possible responses — you may laugh. You may realize that something on that list should be on your Reasonable Concerns list. Or, you may have a completely different reaction.
My prediction is that doing this homework will tame the irritability tiger — at least a little bit.
Feel free to comment (or email privately) if this post or assignment resonates with you.
Photo by Frida Bredesen on Unsplash
